She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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