i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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