Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Randomize
