ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
