Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
