she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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