I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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