Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
