My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
His nipple licking is glorious
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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