mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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