please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
