My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
