we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
