Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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