I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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