Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Is this like a preordered booty call?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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