Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
