so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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