Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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