you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
