Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
