Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
