I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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