we have officially lost it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
