Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
