i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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