It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Success! We fucked roommates!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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