either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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