sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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