if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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