so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
