I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
