She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
