It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Randomize
