"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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