You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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