I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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