My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
