smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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