I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
