I hope mine doesn't look like that
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
false alarm. still invincible.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
