I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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