so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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