I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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