brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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