guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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