I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
