well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
