oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
