It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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