He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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