I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I have fence marks all over my body
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
