Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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